Bilge Rat |
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A
square rigged ship was sighted at anchor off the “Peak” today, thought to
be the pirate ship “Black Pearl”. Your intrepid reporter “bilge rat” taking
his life in his hands ventured even unto the ship to see how pirating was
faring in the 21st century. On closing the ship and being invited on board I was delighted to see that it was in fact the “Black Pig” and my old friend Captain Pugwash. (Come on chaps admit it, you've also read the stories as a child!). On enquiring why he was off Polperro, he said that he had come to sell the locals some barrels of rum and brandy, but had been told by the local soothsayer that he was wasting his time as they all bought theirs at the “offey” these days or one of the supermarkets. Not to be outdone he had found a cave just outside the harbour wall and was going to hide some there, only to be scared off by a wraith who called himself Willy Wilcox. He’d told him to “sling his hook” as it was his cave and it would cost him a chest of gold doubloons to use it, a price he couldn’t afford. He decided on plan “B” a bit of good old rape and pillage and maybe abducting the odd maiden or two. He found out that maidens “were orf,” they were all over at Newquay clubbing and his “first mate” told him that rape and pillage was not P.C. any more, and anyway their boats were not MCA approved for carrying passengers. At this he had stomped off to do what pirates do best and get legless on the rum he couldn’t sell. I told him that he could now be breath tested at sea , arrested by the Harbour Master and fined if caught drunk in charge of a ship. This caused him to do a jig and stomp off to sample the brandy, telling me to talk to the bloody mate as he seemed to think he ran the ship anyway. (Now all you fans of Douglas Reeman books will know that this is true. The “Old Man” is always saved by the first lieutenant, and has a Scot’s chief engineer who “canna hold his turbines”, but being a sailing ship, this motley lot were still looking for the turbine!!).
In his absence I got talking to the first mate who told me that ‘elf ’n safety, political correctness and environmentalists was playing havoc with being a pirate. By the time he had done risk assessments, safety audits and method statements to be able to attack another ship, they had sailed off over the horizon. Last year it had cost Captain P a small chest of gold kitting out all hands with flame resistant gear, hard hats, ear defenders, safety goggles, flak jackets , safety harnesses and safety boots. He had had problems with the safety boots getting the sailors with wooden legs to put them on the right way round, although he thought they were excellent for a well aimed boot up the bum for some of the lazy ones! That had caused a few problems with a “sea lawyer” who threatened him the European Court of Human Rights, whoever they are. They have all had to go on courses to be able to fire the cannon, slash people with cutlasses, use knives and blow holes in the opposition with pistols (E ‘n S are not too keen on all of this). He has now had a directive to say that they have to carry out an environmental assessment before they can sink a ship, because it might cause pollution. This was not what being a pirate was all about, they were not supposed to be friendly. However he was pleased to say that they were reaching their targets in employing the necessary numbers of disabled, minority, ethnic and disadvantaged sailors.
They also have to be careful going into port now because they get inspections to make sure that they seaworthy, have the correct certificates, the crew have been paid, the food is wholesome and the water potable and that they hold lifeboat drills. In the last port they were detained until they put guard rails on the plank and provided a safety net at the end in case the captive who was walking the plank fell in the water, because this could have infringed his ‘uman rights. Keel hauling and flogging with a cat ‘o nine tails ( the RSPCA had complained) are both banned. However he has found that a lot of his “hairy ….. seamen” are finding their feminine side and the flower arranging and dress making groups are flourishing, although they all have to have NVQ’s to use needles.
The last time they had gone rampaging in the Caribbean, they went to bury some treasure and a few captives only to find that their favourite island had been bought by property developers who intended to build a ten storey hotel and have a pirate theme park !! Hell if you can’t beat them join them, their next port of call was to be Charlestown to see if there was any film work . He was trying to persuade Captain P into taking land lubbers on trips on the “Pig” and also doing trips round the bay, (he had got this idea talking to a comely wench called Jackie in the Blue Peter ). This could be a nice little earner ‘cos they wouldn’t be allowed ashore until they had handed over all their cash. Failing that he had heard that there was a place called Hollywood and a Captain Jack Sparrow who was looking for seasoned hands for a film. At this we decided to join Captain P and help him drink the brandy and plan a “sods opera” to maintain the morale of the crew.
Much saddened at the loss of another good traditional seafaring pastime, I fell down the gangway, rowed round the bay in circles, got towed in, and left to go home, do some flower arranging, fill in some forms and do a risk assessment so I could go to bed!
“Bilge Rat” , 16 October 2007 - copyright 2007 - all rights reserved
Syndication rights on a national, global or inter-galactic basis can be negotiated through my agent and personal manager, Captain Tony White c/o the Post Office, Polperro, Cornwall